Return of the Duff

O Gara’s Irish 8k – 30:09

First thing is first – I know it’s been three weeks since my last update. I wanted to update you all last weekend, but having not actually written anything (at least, nothing current, and digging up old entries every week is not how I anticipate me successfully extending this endeavor long-term) I felt that wasn’t going to be insightful for you or me. So I made the decision to wait, and to continue to put into practice my original modus operandi. I’m trying (I hate the fucking word, but I’m at a loss for one better) to write in my journal daily, and add to these posts on the daily so that I’m compiling a finished product throughout the week rather than dumping down my already unrefined and abhorrently disconnected thought process all at once. What you have read so far was written last weekend, as is this clause: I don’t know what the subject of my next post will be. Daily reflection, and mindfulness, will elucidate that for me. Thankfully, fortunately, however you want to say it, I have built in place a series of daily ‘rituals’ that certainly will include under its umbrella the act of writing and meditating. I have not missed running so far in 2018, and with my ability to stay healthy and strong, there is no sign of that practice falling into decline. I have eaten probably everyday of my life, and that is the fucking best ritual (even better now that food is eating me, so to speak) – the one I look forward to the most 2-4 times a day (or more, ask anyone I go to school with how much I bake and cook). Adding writing and meditation to those daily practices is within mine (and anyone’s) ability.

But the topic for this post is easy. Today I ran my first organized race event since I ran the same one 3 years ago. Crazy, right? I have logged thousands of miles over that time, with long runs, hill sprints, tempo runs, battled physical and mental injury, and throughout all that time I really was just, well, fucking around. And with more race team events that are sure to come, I can assure you that that attitude will most certainly remain constant. Albeit with even more motivation to improve. To get better and faster. I like to think to think I strike a wonderful balance of completely nonchalant, go with-the-flow attitude and steadfast determination. And by balance I mean completely one of those extremes or the other depending on the given moment or situation. As I’ve said before – the middle is an acutely unbearable place for me.

That’s me in the front – those shorts have followed me through every marathon and now they will be with me every race. The buff is new, but it won’t be for long. I have a lot of problems with America, but damnit I still love it. Or at least the colors of the flag. Honestly, what’s the difference?

Anyway – on to the post! This morning was a cold return to the world of competitive racing. I loved it. Every second of it. Start to finish – the feeling of passing people one by one as a lock in what I describe as an ‘uncomfortably comfortable’ pace. Receiving (and of course giving) 3-4 word exclamations of encouragement to fellow teammates as we passed each other on the point-to-point course. Fixating on a ‘rabbit’ with 1 mile to go and chasing her down, putting her just a few meters behind me as we ascended the last hill. I’m by no means fast, and this wasn’t even a PR for me (you can read more about that here), but knowing that now I’m on a consistent, upward trajectory toward greater self-improvement, self-acceptance, self-motivation, self-awareness (ME ME ME), I can only envision improving from here.

A big shoutout goes to the teammates who weren’t running this race. I swear there was a group of them every mile just waiting to cheer on the competitors and take pictures. Beyond race events, you can pretty much guarantee an hour or two walking around Minneapolis will afford you an opporunity of seeing Mill City gear being sported by someone. They’re that popular – and for good reason!

Much more importantly than all of that self-centered egoism, my headspace has transcended its eerily dark position of self-loathing to a level that allows me to foster friendship, camaraderie, and unabated love for other human beings within the realm of competition. I wouldn’t necessarily say that I fall in the camp of ‘you have to love/help yourself before you can love/help others.’ There is too much interdependence with those variables for me that the muddy gray area which they co-exist becomes too difficult and frankly too inconsequential to delineate. But certainly you can’t hate yourself and try to have respect for others, especially teammates and competitors. Or at least, you can’t give so much focus to the negative, irrational parts of that paleolithic brain that hijacks your true conscious to get what it wants that you end up drowning out all the potential for selfless attention to others. I’ve a long way to go to full blown self-confidence and acceptance. But the future is bright. And it’s brighter with these people below in it.

My propensity for taking pictures has changed dramatically since the end of my eating disorder. Yes, my body confidence has improved dramatically as a result of losing alot of the weight that I put on when I was binge-eating, but far more importantly is my developed ability to just be at peace, in the moment, accepting myself for who I am and enjoying the company of people. It’s not foolproof, and I’d be lying if I said that those negative thoughts about my body don’t surface, but I’d be lying even more if I told you I identify with them. Through practice, I’ve learned to accept those thoughts as a bi-product of disordered thinking that I no longer possess. They go away. And hence why my goofy, smiling ass is featured in my blog now.

And it’s even brighter with all of the amazing friendships I have fostered since starting medical school, and the other friend groups I’ve re-ignited since my return to November Project and these fine folks at Mill City. So here’s to brighter (and actually brighter, I can be done with this 30 degrees with 15mph and overcast mornings any day now) days. Here’s to more races (I’m registered for Twin Cities 1 mile in May!), more team pics, more chest burning sprints to the finish, and more hugs, smiles, laughs, and free, post-race Coca-Colas!