Motivation and the Mill City Mile

2018 TC 1 Mile – 5:19:50

I’m gonna say this just to get it out of the way. And to make sure there is no doubt to anyone reading this.

I hated every second of this race.

And the cough I had for 2 hours after it? I’m still barely recovered. We as humans were not designed to run this distance. At least, I definitely was not designed to run this distance. Let me help you put it into perspective. On Saturday, I biked 50 miles (actually 44 but the race said 50 so I’m going with it). My legs were a little sore, but it felt great and I enjoyed it. So much so I put in 17.5 miles on my feet the next day with 14 of those at marathon pace. Like running at the speed I hope to run in June at Grandma’s Marathon. Let me assure you, that I would repeat last weekend, every week of my life, before I started doing 1 mile races. Why do hours on my butt/feet not hurt nearly as bad as running full speed for a few minutes? Why did my eyes start watering and my lungs catch fire a fucking quarter of the way through the race? And most puzzling of all, how and why do people do this for a living?! I have so many questions concerning the nature of this ridiculous event.

And no doubt – I’ll be here next year.

Alas, I’m already a formidable complainer, and would rather spare all of you (whom I appreciate dearly) the expense of reading my trivial drivel. I want to discuss something perhaps more profound – un-comfortability.

I raced on Thursday mostly due to the fact that I wanted to play a part in helping the Mill City Race team, enjoy the company of awesome people, and get a free shirt. Let’s be honest, it’s always about free shit. But something I listened to the other day provided me another motive for racing such a short, stupid fast race. The fact that I had no desire to run such a short, stupid fast race.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with David Goggins, you need to follow this man immediately on every social media outlet. He’s truly inspirational. Really, just stop reading right now read up about this man. He’s done every crazy strength and endurance challenge you can imagine. Listening to him speak on a podcast is like having a personal trainer in your ear telling you to literally shut up, suck it up, and do whatever you have to do to get a job done. I’m not just talking about athletics or sport either. It can be whatever menial task or objective you have on your to-do list. It could be that tough conversation you need to have with a family member or friend. It could be standing up for yourself. Perhaps something you’ve always wanted to try but never thought you could do. The limitations that we perceive are holding us back so often just exist in our mind. There are things that we don’t do simply because we’ve predetermined in our head that such things are too hard, or too complicated, or beyond our skill level. One of the most amazing tricks our minds do to hide this simple fact from us is to justify procrastination. I am as guilty of this as anyone. Tomorrow I’ll write that blog post (okay that one is at least getting a little better). I’ll study some more tomorrow, I need a break tonight. I’ll take of those emails later. It’s easy to justify any action when you allow that pleasure-driving center of your brain to take control of your consciousness. I get it. Anyone of these examples is perfectly indicative of a very true thought I’ve allowed to influence my behavior. And ultimately, I’ve let myself have a ‘break.’ Those thoughts, and even acting on them on occasion, isn’t dangerous. But habituating the easy way? Letting that part of your brain have ultimate control over your daily life? Having such a pathologic obsession with destructive behavior that you quite literally feel trapped? I can give you great, personal examples of some those actual thought patterns as well.

This is the last binge, tomorrow I’ll get clean.

This is the last pint of ice cream I’ll ever buy – tomorrow is a new day.

I’ll never eat so much that I feel I puke again – I’m starting fresh tomorrow.

See where I’m going here? If this is all unfamiliar to you, check out my story from the start. Now, eating disorder recovery (as much as I wish it could be) is not something you just beat into submission. You don’t put stop your mental illness on the checklist, lace up your shoes, put in an hour of work, shower, and then be cured. In essence, you don’t get to white-knuckle it. Trust me (or don’t), I tried. It takes sustained practice, mindfulness, changing your perspective, and some fuck-ups along the way. But there are definitely instances in which the woe-is-me voice needs a swift kick in the face. Listen, I’m not your resident expert on self-motivation, and I’m basically an authority on next-to-nothing, but what I do know is that everytime, everytime, I get out the door to train on a day I don’t want to, I never regret it. Each time I talk with a friend when I feel down, or feel like I don’t have time, I learn something as a result. I feel better. I enjoy it. Each time I change my outlook on objectively shitty situations, I feel better, more relaxed, and am more able to do what I need to. And I don’t regret it. It’s almost comical how often we have to overcome a mental barrier to do the things we ultimately are glad we ended up doing. The ‘self-impediment-to-happiness nucleus’ of the brainstem was never taught to me in any of my neuroscience courses. What the hell is the point of medical school if I’m not learning to bio-hack my brain to make my life easier, happier, and more efficient?

Getting uncomfortable is a big reason I got on my bike for 50 miles on Saturday. It’s part of the reason I signed up for my first 50 mile trail race in September, and why I’m racing 35 miles 3 weeks after that. But perhaps more surprisingly to those reading, it’s why I have to really tell that voice to shove it just to get to school (or anywhere) on time. Why I force myself to bike to school when I I’m feeling too lazy to go literally just a mile (one mile!). Yes, even ‘runners’ (at least this one) have wildly lazy thoughts. On countless occasions, I have succumbed to the lazy voice in everyday life. But there are tried and true antidotes to these situations, which I need to utilize perhaps more than the average person.

The suck-it-up mentality and the ability to consciously distance yourself from thoughts that don’t serve you are, in many ways, two sides of the same coin. If nothing else, when applied correctly they are different means to the same end. Change. They make the uncomfortable, comfortable. It’s definitely uncomfortable to sit with negative thoughts and not act on them. It’s uncomfortable to not procrastinate necessary tasks, and it’s uncomfortable to delay gratification, or postpone it indefinitely. Pain, un-comfortability, suffering, whatever you call it, is the stimulus that has the ability to supplant our current disposition and elevate ourselves to a higher intelligence, strength, understanding, happiness, self-awareness, whatever. But you can’t avoid it. Sit with it, or beat into oblivion, do what you gotta do, but face it.

I wish I could tell you I am successful at this every time I recognize that ‘easy-out’ voice. I’m not. But ‘the beast,’ that binge-eating voice, no longer has any effect on my actions. And I continue to ‘embrace the suck’ in everyday life. Listening to people that output the incredible vibes of success (like Goggins) through adversity are simple reminders that we all have that voice in us. That’s not unique to us – what is unique is whether we shut that shit off, feel shitty, run a mile, feel better, and repeat.